Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Holding On

Well, I guess it's a little ironic that I jumped on my blog today to vent and whine, especially since my last post was about finding inner strength. I also sound a little like I am giving Meredith's final thought at the end of a Grey's Anatomy episode. In still trying to see the good in the middle of an uphill battle. I was doing great for a while, after a lot of ups and downs and plateaus, I got back to what worked as far as the best diet plan for me. Now, I am not so motivated and I will tell you why. After running away from my fear, I have decided to face it, and be willing to put myself out there. I am referring to being willing to have another baby. Yes, being pregnant again and all the fun that goes with it. No, this is not an announcement, I am simply saying, I think I'm ready to take that leap of faith. My initial fear and biggest factor is what I went through when I was pregnant. I admire mothers so much who go through a tough pregnancy, are so willing to sacrifice again and go out into the unknown. A little less than halfway through my pregnancy when I went to have my first ultrasound, they found a gallstone. I know I have briefly talked about this before and so I won't go too much into it. Afterall, that isn't my main focus as a faithful blogger today. To summarize, it's probably the worst pain I have ever felt, and what was worse, I couldn't do anything about it except try to control it with diet and just breathe, and hold on. I was teaching at the time as well, so let's just say it was a difficult time for me. Even the Lortab that my doctor prescribed didn't help. That should tell you how strong the pain was. (I may have already said that too). Since I didn't want to compromise the safety of my baby I decided to wait until after she was born to have surgery. After labor, whatever good hospital employee, albeit a little of a bonehead, was in charge of scheduling surgery forgot to put me on that list for the next morning, so I had to wait until 3 PM for surgery, with no food or water, aside from a tiny bit right after I had the baby. To make a long story short, I made it through, and I love my daughter with all my heart. I lost my 25 pounds, which was 25 pounds less than I was before I had my baby. I do take it as a learning experience, but not one I want to ever repeat again!
As I have said, I've learned to make weight loss and fitness a hobby I have really enjoyed. I have been doing lots of cardio and strength training every day,counting those calories and feeling pretty good. Well, I am so very afraid that when I do get pregnant again, I will gain all the weight I lost and erase all the hard work I have done. I am scared to feel fat, frumpy and ugly. Or that the weight will be even harder to lose the second time around! I know how horribly selfish that sounds. But, fearing that, I am losing motivation to keep it up. Last week I felt like my efforts were no longer worth it. I totally slacked off on following my weekly food plan and writing it all down, etc. It was like, why do this if I will just gain weight anyway?
On the positive, I had a really good talk with Ron about all this, and I am feeling better. He's pointed out that this next time around, I won't have the gallstone problem so I should still be able to exercise. I also won't be teaching so I will have more time to exercise, but also take it a little more easy. More importantly, he pointed out, the next time around compared to last time, should be a much easier pregnancy. What struck me most of all is when he said that the Lord won't give us anything he knows we can't handle. I know I need to have more faith in that. I've had to ask myself if I am doing all the things I should be doing to exercise that faith. So, I have been trying to go back to the basics and recently re-reading my patriarchal blessing and that has helped me start to feel motivated again. Not only to do those things that I know are right, but continue on doing what I will need to do to be healthy and happy. It's so hard to just say, I have no idea what will happen, but I have to put it in his hands now. Anyway, on a much lighter note, my plan is to continue with my hobby when I am pregnant again and keep the goal in mind of gaining only the amount of weight required to keep my baby healthy, thus adding a whole new chapter of helpful tips to my blog. It should be fun to figure out how many calories I will need and find some new recipes. I know, lame things to be excited about, but as you can tell, I am trying to get positive and stay motivated. I'm determined to stay healthy and focused as best I can whenever it does happen! Of course, the end result of being pregnant, is always worth it!


  1. more lil rach/ron mash ups to come! :) yay!

  2. This was a really good read. I appreciate your courage, Rach!